This happened with one of those tropical evenings commonplace, as their name implies, occur only in the tropics and only at night.
Mr. and Mrs. Grandemanche, French cooperation mission in Gabon, taking the air inside their house while listening to classical music, all doors and windows open. The boy had finished his service, they were alone.
battery when stopped concerto, a monkey appeared in the light of their terrace, a chimpanzee adult who wore a necklace which hung a broken chain, the animal was rotated in the hand.
Dazzled by the light, he paused a moment on the doorstep and went into the lounge. Then he began to systematically try free wheelchair, ranging from one to the other, waddling.
Dazzled by the light, he paused a moment on the doorstep and went into the lounge. Then he began to systematically try free wheelchair, ranging from one to the other, waddling.
Needless to say, Mr. and Mrs. Grandemanche were terrorized. They had heard scary stories about the monkeys to bite formidable and colossal force. This might be tamed, at least it was for someone if it was relying on his collar and chain. Paralyzed with fear, However, they had the presence of mind not to scream or make sudden movements.
The animal, fortunately, did not seem aggressive, he eventually chose to settle in the rattan sofa and continued looking around, blinking. One moment he took off the wall above a picture of him to see if there was something behind and then, having satisfied his review, he crossed his arms and said in a loud voice: "I would type out a Beer .. "
At the time, Mr and Mrs Grandemanche believed to be a hallucination, but the monkey repeated distinctly," I I would type out a small beer .. "
Sir, imagining a strategy that would have allowed him without scaring the animal access to the phone to call the police, forgot everything ...
- But ... You're talking about?
- Yeah, I mean: you do not have a beer, sometimes?
- But .. A chimpanzee does not speak! How is it ...?
- It's like this: I'm fed up to the monkey, to force it becomes painful, so this beer, you?
- Uh, no sorry, "stammered Madame, but coca-cola ...
- Oh no, I do not drink this crap chemical! ... A Suze then? I like Suze, I finished the glasses to my master.
- Yes, I think, "she said, getting up to go and prepare.
As she passed the monkey, the latter the detailed emphatically
- Say, you are not interested in copulating with a chimpanzee in the prime of life, once again?
- Say, you are not interested in copulating with a chimpanzee in the prime of life, once again?
- Please, a little respect sir ... uh ... the monkey ...!
- Casimir ... My teacher called me last Casimir. A real con: whenever he had guests I had to do the chimpanzees, eating bananas, making "hoo - hoo" scratching armpits, climbing trees, pffff ...
- But, what do Then the monkeys?
- Ben like everybody else, they eat, they sleep, they want food, they copulate, they bicker. But they do not "boo-hoo," by breaking down under the arms except when asked.
- Your ... Suze
- Thank you my little monkey, "he said when posed with Ms. Grandemanche much apprehension the glass before him, you're sure to chimpanzees in the prime of life?
- Uh ... no thank you Mr. Casimir.
- Well, well, unfortunately. But you're wrong: you have no idea what can be done with four hands and when one is provided with a baculum
... - (...)
- In fact, if I came to your home, it is because of music. The No. 1 Rachmaninoff is fine, but be it said without offending you, the No. 2 has been well above ...
- Because that, in addition, you, you know something about classical music?
- Well, yes why? But you're lucky not to be forced to live all the time in Africa! They bore me with their Gabonese wild music ... Bang, bang, tam tam ... From the stew ...
- But ... uh ... All monkeys are like you?
- That is to say?
- They talk, they listen to classical music, all that, what ....
- Pfff ... Obviously! Finally, no doubt. We do not talk about us ...
- But then why are they hiding?
- That's the problem: if you want peace, must be the monkey. Imagine, they would discover that we are smart, what would they do to you?
- I do not know ...
- Come on, they would send us work at the plant. At the chain! You can imagine the number of bolts that can screw with four hands working together? They require us to make the sly devils at the top of scaffolding, digging down the mines ... thank you!
- But why do you do this .. uh ... what outing?
- I decided to ascend the social ladder. Already in monkeys-monkeys was somewhat of a higher type, a leader. But when these bastards of humans - with all due respect - have managed to capture me, I realized that I should take the plunge. Issue of consideration and standing, so to speak.
- And how do you do?
- Already, of course, I must m'accouple with a human. Have as a human female, it is class. Ours are capricious, smelly, do not of tits, have no idea of good food and, frankly, for the conversation ....
- (...)
- For your lady, I was serious all the time ... She would do a good deed. You may be polygamous?
- No, no, monogamous ...
- A girl, perhaps, that I will make him a child?
- Yes, she stayed in France, but no, good heavens, how awful!
- Why she likes not hairy?
- No, that's not it, but anyway ... this can not ... You are not the same species!
- Yes, I understand. But I intend to assimilate completely, do not worry I'll put on clothes, learn the Marseillaise, make my poop where you have and all .... I tried my clothes last master was too great, but with touches ... The shoes, by cons, then it sucks. You think I could be making special shoes?
- Maybe from thick gloves? "said Madame.
- Ouali .... From gloves! She is not stupid, huh, your female!
- But, finally, why do not you want to stay with the monkeys? said Sir, you will be unhappy in the midst of men!
- Are you kidding or what, you've already visited the gorillas?
- Uh, no ...
- More idiots, are not ... likely more. And not one gram of delicacy, thugs, whatever ... the kind of rap ... or listen to CRS ...
- Gorillas? but there are hardly any!
- Maybe, but what do you think he is it like monkeys? And baboons? No, but you saw their mouth? Macaques and then, for example? ... Z'avez never macaques as neighbors, it shows!
- Why?
- They screaming all day, coming band you prick your business, you pass quail ... they are unbearable.
- And the bonobos?
- Yep, bonobos ... Real bastards, those ... They try to make you believe in an intelligent monkey, but monkey way: the social-traitors ... Do beware of them, one day they'll foutront a brothel without a name, you will not understand what happens to you ... Already, AIDS, in your opinion, who forwarded it to you?
- Noooo?
- Ben though. There's plenty of queers among bonobos ... No, eventually I'd rather see more live among humans. But free, normal, whatever ... I'm tired of snakes, elephants and warthogs. Here, wildebeest, for example - just the name, eh? - If you knew how stupid they are ... There is nothing to be learned. You approach a little, pffft ... they fuck off! How do you build lasting relationships? And a giraffe, you cause to imagine a giraffe? just for the look in your eyes must Grimes in a tree ... And I will not say the crocodiles! ... To them you're just a snack. No, frankly, the jungle is not that great ...
- So you want to live like us?
- Yeah, man ! My dream is a little blonde, bubble bath and a coffee with toast ... and a cold beer from time to time.
- Because you drink too coffee?
- And why not? ... Say, you think that by showing that I can speak and I'm smart I could have papers?
- Papers?
- Yeah, papers ape-man, identity cards, residence permits ... I could take a very French name: Casimir Chain ... or Casimir Panza, what do you think?
- Uh ... Here, I do not know, but the laws in France Sarkozy, in my opinion ...
- Yeah, I know. Sarkozy then this is not a good toubab ... It is against immigration from Africa. And Wallet, there, such ... But notice, I am not Muslim, and I could give him more services ...
- Services?
- Yeah. "Special Adviser to the President in animals" ... You know nothing about it: when I think there are idiots for wanting to protect you from the lions and elephants ... You bet! From all this crap. You just keep cows, sheep and chimpanzees, that's all ... The rest is just as harmful ...
- Um ... I doubt he is interested. Brigitte Bardot, perhaps ... Frankly, you'd better But ... stay in Gabon say, and if you return to your master and now that you explain?
- No matter ...
- And first, who was your master?
- Dr. N'Gotto. You know why it has monkeys in captivity? He failed the exam, he has never been a surgeon and he trains on monkeys ... I will not advise you to have surgery by him!
- Oh? Is this possible? You come home Abdoulaye N'Gotto?
- If I tell you ... Ask him one day his degrees ... You see, a life of monkey, sometimes it has drawbacks ...
- Um, do you think I phoned him to explain? your case? I have his home number somewhere ...
- Pfff ... I'd be surprised that it means something ...
- Let me try ...
Mr. Grandemanche rose, took a moment of the play, but returned with a loaded shotgun. He fired two shells at close range on the monkey. Then he picked up the phone and called the doctor N'Gotto:
- Tell me Abdoulaye, that shit stop you there ... Yes, your program to stimulate the brains of chimpanzees ... It gives them ideas: there was one who had escaped from you, he wanted beer, an identity card and, in addition, he was seriously considering skipping Monique ... Come find his corpse.
A monkey that speaks! And then what? Songea ... there, hanging up the phone.
Frederic Spassky
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